April 1, 2024 · 3:55 am

Finding Words for My Dad

My dad’s birthday was 3 days ago. I didn’t post anything because I didn’t quite have the words yet. My dad turned 73 on Thursday, but when he was 16, he started getting his hair cut by Bob DeAngelo. That is who my dad went to for the next 57 years (and still does).

I didn’t know then that Bob even cut my grandpa’s hair (he passed away long before I was born). I learned he did my grandpa’s hair for his funeral and was a pallbearer. He cut my hair growing up until a late-teen-Brent decided he should start going to someone younger who would understand more about how to craft a haircut that was going to get a teenager some making out with a lady. It’s the age-old tale of the selfishness and thoughtlessness of a teenager. Thankfully, a couple months ago, I realized that Bob should be the one to give Ante his first haircut. It was a special moment watching him give Ante his first haircut to complete a 4-generation cycle.

Clearly, Bob has been a part of the Ferrari family for a long time (even longer than I knew). He’s a wonderful guy with a genuine smile you can’t forget. I loved seeing the smile on my dad’s face throughout the whole haircut. It probably seemed like this blog that was supposed to be about my dad was becoming more of a blog about Bob DeAngelo, but that’s not the case. The special haircut from a special guy only exemplifies why my dad is special. It also reminded me how many of my best traits are because of my dad.

Having the same barber for 57 years may have tipped you off that my dad is pretty loyal. I have inherited that strong loyalty. I like to think I am a very loyal friend who tries to be there for people (with a mix of furious defense of people I care about). I tend to be pretty brand loyal, and I always want to find my “Bob” for everything I need: dental hygienist, barber (obviously, I don’t currently have one), therapist, and so on.

But it’s not just about being loyal to someone who gives you good service. Bob is a genuinely good person, so it’s also about having the right people in your life. It’s about trying to reward good people. My dad tries to help everyone, but he especially tries to help good people. I have tried to emulate this myself. I want good people around me, and I tried to help people as a manager.

I am not a fan of tradition in general and fight against a lot of it, but I’ve at least learned from my dad that the right traditions are important. The things I said above are plenty of reasons to keep a tradition going. Traditions around a person are worth it.

I don’t think my dad has ever given me a speech about anything I’ve talked about today. He’s just always led by example. And when I didn’t think I had the creative words, all I had to do was sit back and watch him. Happy birthday, Dad, and I love you. You’re the greatest man I know, and I know Bob DeAngelo, so that means a lot.   

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January 26, 2024 · 5:14 pm

Mad with Power Fest: Day 2

Saturday morning was family time. Every Saturday, Madison hosts one of the largest Farmers’ Markets in the world. The market is set up around the state capitol building. The capitol building is an architectural masterpiece and a must-see in Madison. Should Mad with Power Fest ever be held there, the domed roof would surely gather all the power of the bands and shoot a blast that knocks the moon right out of the sky.

A large group of metalheads also congregated around the Capitol at a time different from mine. Ty Christian led a group of fans to gorge themselves with cheese curds. Full of Wisconsin goodness and cholesterol, they toured the Capitol building and Farmers’ Market. Perhaps they found a stand selling potions and spells, but I did not. Fresh arepas and empanadas are an excellent substitute, though. As early afternoon arrived, I again left my family (with some guilt leaving my wife to handle a 2- and 4-year-old, but also with MUCH LOVE for her) to excitedly return to glory.  

The meet-and-greet started a little more quickly as security had ironed out any issues from the day before. A friend who couldn’t make it to the festival sent me an Unleash the Archers ear book to get signed by the band. UTA happily signed things and took pictures with the line of fans wanting to meet them. On a whim, I asked them to sign the book and box it was shipped in. I generally don’t care about autographs, but the idea of having a magical cardboard box of metal incantations pleased me, so I got various signatures.

I also got a pic with the band and asked them to pose by pretending they were killing me with their weapon of choice. Singer Brittany Slayes was the only band member who appeared to actually know how to shoot a bow and arrow. Other members either had horrible form or were killing me with some kind of hybrid shovel bow and arrow. Drummer Scott Buchanan chose to shank me in the side with a hidden dagger, but that is at least an accurate archer close combat move.  

Heather Michelle and Chelsea from Of Romulus humored me with posed photos so my friend could photoshop himself next to them. I wanted to get Jason Ashcraft in a photo as well, but after our initial conversations, he disappeared from my sight despite being roughly 7 feet tall and wearing a Hawaiian-style Godzilla shirt. Another wonderful aspect of MWP was seeing how genuinely happy the bands were to meet fans. Clearly, many of them had cultivated their own communities and were quite familiar with many of their fans.

Day 1 took the crowd on a journey across the unique worlds of The Power and The Glory. Day 2 brought the Army of the Got Danged to the planet Madisonia, where we entered the city of Sy’lvee to purchase trinkets and treasures from the Space Headbangers Market. Our journey the day before was successful. Now, we could spend all the doubloons we earned plundering and pillaging with Seven Spires.

Of Romulus was the Saturday opener. They are one of Jason Ashcraft’s 57 projects (Helion Prime, Planeswalker, Dire Peril, The Stormlight Shredchive (maybe someday)). It features some of his other band chums Chelsea McMasters (Dire Peril, Bassylon 5 (maybe someday)) on bass and Heather Michelle Smith (Helion Prime, Graveshadow, Deep Sing 9 (maybe someday)) on vocals.

Of Romulus tells the tale of a small group of Romulans that ended up stranded on Earth after a failed attempt to steal Federation secrets. Also, they went through a time portal and arrived here in the ‘80s (because Power Metal). Now they’ve decided to break the Prime Directive and tell the Terrans everything in hopes that some faction of Time Police will come to stop them and take them off this D’era-forsaken planet.

This was Of Romulus’ debut show. The band had an energetic and straightforward sound. Sometimes, it was too energetic, as Ashcraft befell the first major injury of the festival by losing a pointy ear. They were helped on a song by Captain James TY-berius Kirk (Ty from Lords of the Trident again in costume change 3 of 659). It was challenging to sing along since most of the set consisted of songs that hadn’t been released yet, but Romulans probably prefer it that way. The set was great, and this Trekkie is excitedly awaiting their album release. Why Romulans? “Because it was the easiest makeup,” Heather Michelle told me. That’s dangerously logical. I returned to my nest on the balcony to conserve energy (and my back). We purchased some Romulan flags and pointy ears. It was time for the next booth.

Graveshadow took the stage next to sell you their mysteries from BEYOND THE…grave. Guitarist William Lloyd Walker’s dark fantasy quintet came to the market from the faraway planet of Saq-rah’mentoe. Vocalist Rachl Raxx Quinn instantly took command of the stage with her distinctive trill. Her powerful singing looked effortless as she traversed the stage, telling their tales.

In another moment of love and friendship, Graveshadow invited former singer and current Of Romulus singer Heather Michelle on stage sans ears to sing their set-ending song with Raxx. Why are all these people getting along so well? It’s almost… as if… being nice is a good thing? Perhaps we should barter with dragons instead of fighting them. I delightfully filled my purse with these secrets from the grave. Graveshadow was also incredibly gracious and kind while hanging out at their merch booth.

Do you know what we need to buy next? Some good old-fashioned fun! High Spirits slickly slid onto the stage in nearly matching white jeans and black T-shirts. This Shee-Q-ah’go-based quintet looks and feels like an older Steel Panther with more of an innocent and genuine joy displayed by their craft. They were here to have a good time, by golly, and be in bed by 9.

The band clearly has tons of experience, as their good timin’ kicks and jumps were totally in sync. Frontman Chris Black seemed like the coolest dad at the festival and was ready to have a catch with anyone who wanted. I made a memory of his face in case I needed snacks later. Jokes about people probably the same age as me aside, I gladly accepted all the coupons the High Spirits booth had to offer. I would describe their sound simply by the name of the song “Hot City Nights.” They actually don’t have a song named “Hot City Nights,” but I can’t think of a better way to describe them than by saying they have a song called “Hot City Nights.” This Miami-Vice-with-Chicago-Practicality blend of music was satisfying as the band ended their set with a song thanking us for being their friends.

Another food break was upon us. I got some pizza and a pretzel. I could choose cheese or mustard for the pretzel, but I wasn’t about to fall for that trick. I prevented expulsion from Wisconsin and chose cheese. I then relaxed for the rest of the break in THE ROOM OF NERDONIA, as I just decided to call it. It featured tables and tables of different gaming system setups. I played Time Crisis 3 on a Sega CD that was hooked up to a TV. Some of the attendees were shocked by how wide and square the TV was. I guess time travel IS possible. Checkmate: Of Romulus.

Just in case anyone didn’t get enough to eat during the break, the next set was prepared to stuff your soul. If you know Seven Kingdoms, you know what they brought to the market: cheeseburgers. Seven Kingdoms hails from DeLand of Phlooreedah. Wait, the city is literally called DeLand! That might even be too cheesy for a Power Metal crowd. Seven Kingdoms got their name from some guy you’ve probably never heard of named George R.R. Martin. I guess he’s a writer or something.

Singer Sabrina Valentine strolled onto the stage in a sparkly dress while donning burger slippers. Guitarists Camden Cruz and Kevin Byrd look prepared to deadlift the entire crowd if the crowd wasn’t excited enough. While I fully believe they could do it, their energetic set left that feat unneeded. There was no choice but to get up and have fun. From start to finish, drummer Keith Byrd (I think he’s Cruz’s brother) hammered out the tempo, and Sabrina delivered her strong vocals nice and fast.

Seven Kingdoms was chock full of s-words, crowns, and bvrgers. How could you not love them? Any last remnants of a Benadryl fog (allergies, yo) on my body were blasted straight out of me. After the band finished playing, they started the between-band music with “What is Love” by Haddaway. Sabrina led a dance party that featured 96% of the crowd singing along. I believe they did this just in case anyone forgot it was a Power Metal festival. This moment was also special for me because the SNL Roxbury skit that everyone between the ages of 30-50 thinks of when that song plays was the inspiration for the name of the team I captained to win a Star Realms Dodgeball League (A Catch at the Roxbury). I promise that sentence makes sense.   

It was time. Not THAT time, but another important time. The gracious and wonderful hosts of this magnificent event, Lords of the Trident, were set to play. The hometown band had to huddle around the edges of the stage around the vast cache of weapons Ty Christian, I mean Fang VonWrathenstein, brought with him. The Lords have traveled across many galaxies and fought many battles. This has caused different faces and maces to represent them, but the current lineup of Fang, OG guitarist Akira Metal, another shredder Baron Taurean Helleshaar, bassist Pontifex Mortis, and drummer Master Hercule “Herc” Schlagzeuger (whose last name I am only looking up how to spell once, damn you) is as strong as can be.

If you couldn’t tell already, LotT is a very serious band that sings songs about politics. Ty is an incredibly talented singer, and his powerful voice never wavers regardless of what axe, sword, or light-up mini-guitar he’s wielding toward some enemy on stage. Akira and the Baron take turns shredding the space-time continuum, and there’s hardly a moment to catch your breath. Oxygen isn’t needed, only joy. Ty explained to the crowd that Final Fantasy VI is his favorite game of all time, so he had to design the Mad with Power Fest VI logo after it. Then, the Lords played a new song inspired by a video game. Yep, you guessed it, Elevator Action. *rechecks notes* I mean, Final Fantasy VI.

Fun and joy aside, Lords of the Trident are a great talent, and it is very clear that they are one of the hardest-working bands in all metal. Every aspect of the group is honed and defined. Even their merch booth has a beautifully detailed stand built around a TV advertising everything they do. Despite running this whole damn thing and changing costumes to sing with half the bands, Ty had plenty of energy to lead their set to power and triumph. In what is genuinely the coolest thing I have ever seen live and another testament to this band’s incredible heart, Ty invited the entire backstage crew on stage with the band to sing and dance to the last song. I don’t believe Ty would ever ask anyone to work as hard as him, but you can see why people would do anything for him. Their music is awesome, but I just love talking about THEM. Their booth this day offered only love and joy, and they gave them away for free (but please do join their Patreon because they deserve it).  

Now, it was THAT time.

Well, wait, first, there was a video announcing 11 of the 12 bands already booked for Mad with Power Fest VII (which will be Mortal Kombat-themed). Ty returned to the stage to introduce the video and explain that this festival is dedicated to featuring lower to mid-level card bands. He wants to help grow the Power Metal scene (especially in America). Ty is seriously the coolest guy on Earth. I won’t list all the bands announced right now (not because I don’t remember all of them and hadn’t heard of a good chunk of them, because I totally do and have), but I will say everyone and myself were quite excited for the Fellowship announcement. You can always click here, too.

NOW IT REALLY WAS THAT TIME FOR THE FINAL HEADLINER.

My old body was tired, but I had saved enough energy to fully immerse myself in Unleash the Archers. UTA is one of the 9 bands in my Top 5 favorite bands, so I was especially pumped to see them again. The final stand was set up to deliver a massive chunk of wondrous Power Metal full of shredding and banshee wails. It’s like buying a Mario 3 Feather and getting a free Konami Code to boot.

This was the group’s first show in 18 months, as Brittney Slayes and drummer Scott Buchanan needed some time off to birth the perfect little Slayby that will one day rule us all. I do believe Slayes did most of the work for the birthing part. This Veeq Tohreah, British (they even colonized space) Khol’ahm B-ah (Victoria, British Columbia. I may have gone overboard with that alien spelling) quintet has exploded in recent years with back-to-back masterpiece albums Apex and Abyss.

UTA’s set, unfortunately, started off with some issues. It seemed like Slayes’ monitor wasn’t working, and she couldn’t hear herself. The opener, “Abyss,” featured Slayes offbeat a few times and seemingly avoiding the highest notes. I was terrified that the long layoff and horrific trauma that women’s bodies go through having a baby was causing her to just not have it that night. My fears were soon demolished, thankfully. Their third song, aptly chosen as “Awakening,” knocked off any remaining rust as the band finally hit their stride. Slayes got stronger as the show went on and unleashed her octave-defying wails over and over again.

The Luca Turilli shirt I was wearing was very pleased by the live rendition of “Faster than Light.” At one point, the band explained that some foul creature and servant of The Matriarch had infiltrated the US Border Officers and nearly didn’t let them into the U.S., but some valiant unnamed hero saved the day. This champion knew that lives didn’t depend on UTA’s entry, but they would be much happier if they did enter. A highlight of the show was when the band played some new material called “Ghosts in the Mist.” Slayes confirmed that the new album would be a new story in a new world. While I loved the Immortal and Matriarch’s battles, it’s good to not dip into one well too much. “Ghosts in the Mist” featured a much lower and heavier riff than classic UTA.

Andrew Kingsley and Grant Truesdell’s fretwork was tight and true (wah wah). Nick Miller ecstatically chugged away on bass. A personal highlight was when they dusted off my Time Stands Still favorite “Dreamcrusher.” UTA also gave fans a special treat by playing their Canadian anthem cover of “Northwest Passage.” The encore, “Carry the Flame,” welcomed Ty and Sabrina Valentine to the stage. Kingsley graciously handed over male, clean vocal duties to Ty.

It was hours past my bedtime. My weak voice was cracking from singing. My neck was sore (along with, like, everything else). The festival was over. The stands were being packed up. I lingered around The Sylvee, hoping to find a magic wardrobe that led to more Power Metal. I stared intensely at arcade cabinets hoping to be sucked into one. I finally headed towards the exit, where RAV handed out copies of his new band Glyph’s demo CD (they will be at MwP VII). It was hard to leave, but I had to, even though no one was rushing anyone. I sat in the car for a bit before returning to the hotel, unsure if I’d ever sleep again (I haven’t. 5 months and counting.)

Final Thoughts

Since the festival, I’ve had moments of melancholy. It’s over, and it’s an experience that can never be recreated for various reasons (first-time experience, a lineup where I knew and loved a chunk of the bands, etc.…). Then I remembered that that’s OK. It lives forever in my heart as a singularly unique experience. Future festivals will create their own experiences as well.

This may sound like I’m being purposely cheesy in my final thoughts of a great cheese festival, but I’m not trying to be. Ty’s dream was to create a festival that helped grow the subgenre while fostering a true community of friendship and kindness. This world is fucking crazy and cruel so often, it seems, but Mad with Power Fest existed outside of that. Even without knowing anyone beforehand, I always felt welcome and safe to be myself, and I’d bet that is as rare for many of you reading this as it is for me.

Everyone there was kind. Everyone experienced joy and spread it along. Even when the ugliness of trauma from the world tried to creep into me and make me judgey in my mind, I was constantly healed and reminded of what is really important: to love and help others. To love something and share the experience with others. The world is constantly trying to divide us, but for two days, The Sylvee held nothing but things to bring us together. There are plenty of other festivals I dream of going to someday (Wacken and 70,000 Tons, to name a couple), but I already know that the greatest festival in the world is Mad with Power Fest because it’s far more than music.

You wouldn’t expect to find something magical like this in Wisconsin, but you also wouldn’t think Madison is one of the most beautiful cities in America. Ty Christian often asked us to fill out surveys after the show because they listened and truly wanted to make the festival as great of an experience as possible. I believe it, and I also know that any nice tweaks and improvements they make will improve things, but the reality is nothing is better than what it already embodies: his heart. The true voice of Power Metal lives there. I am now a fan forever, and I hope to meet some of you there in the coming years. I even promise to try to figure out a way to end conversations in a less awkward way. I still find tears coming to my eyes as I write all of this and think of my time with the Army of the Got Danged. I hold my invisible grapefruit up high to you all.

HAIL!  

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January 25, 2024 · 10:15 pm

Mad With Power Fest: Day 1

In August, I had one of the best weekends of my life at a two-day Power Metal festival in Madison, Wisconsin. I wrote about my experience in hopes it might get published somewhere. After months of delaying further edits to post on my blog, I finally finished the first part. A benefit of taking so long is being able to link actual footage from the festival! Here is day one.

It can be hard to be a Power Metal fan in America. Power Metal just isn’t that big here. Maybe America takes itself too seriously. Maybe Europe’s stronger connection to Medieval times draws them more to The Power and The Glory. America’s wars featured more gunpowder than s-words. Any history of magic The States may have had was likely washed away with poisoned blankets, blood, and Trails of Tears. There’s nary been a dragon bone discovered here. Whatever the reason, epic festivals of Power Metal are few and far between in The States. It is only fitting that the US’s land of cheese, Wisconsin, offers one mighty morsel of Cheddar to the dragon-seeking Knerdly Knights of America.

Mad with Power (MWP) Fest is an annual 2-day festival located in MADison, Wisconsin. It is the love child of Lords of the Trident’s frontman Ty Christian. You are delivered a heaping slab of Power Metal, arcade games, pinball, and joy. This year’s event was extra special as this 6th edition was expanded from 400 tickets to 1500 tickets. This expansion brought the festival to the new and beautiful venue, The Sylvee.

MWP 6 was extra special because it was my first time going, thanks to my glorious wife, who bestowed upon me a Gold VIP (Very Important Powermetalfan) ticket. We made a family trip out of MWP and made the 2-hour trek from the Chicago suburbs to Madison (a much shorter trip than some people I spoke to). My wife and the young humans we made would hang out and explore the city while I journeyed to a land I’d never experienced.  

Upon the eve of battle, fans were invited to a meetup at a local retro arcade bar called Aftershock Classic Arcade. I was nervous. This may shock you, considering I’m a huge Power Metal fan, but I’m generally awkward in large groups. I am also not a part of the Twitch or Discord communities, so I didn’t know anyone who would be there. I didn’t even know the NWOHMB (New Wave of Heavy Metal Buds) existed. To overcome my anxiety, I tried to remind myself that these were all Power Metal fans, so there was a high chance most of them were also anxious nerds like me. Plus, we could likely all discuss our doses of Lexapro to break the ice (10mg, baby!).

Thankfully, I was prepared with the obscure but popular enough band Eleine’s shirt to spark some conversations. People were unsurprisingly nice as I explored the arcade with a pocket full of tokens. I met a few members from the band Shield of Wings, a Chicago-based band I had discovered earlier that year and had the pleasure of seeing twice already. I conversed with my new friends in between bouts of button smashing, Off Roading (if you heard the final lap horn when reading that, you are my people), and pretending I liked beer. I probably would have met more band members had I recognized them as regular humans wearing boring clothes you buy at boring stores. All in all, it was a good time.

A gathering as noble as Mad with Power Fest required a slew of heroes from all over the land to join forces for The Glory of The Fight. These warriors traveled from all corners of the continent, but our journey was not a single book. Friday at 3:30pm was the start of MWP. Gold VIP holders were granted early entry for a meet-and-greet with the bands playing that day. Once everything was sorted out, we entered and got in another line to check in and get our swag bags. While there weren’t any orbs of energy or fairy dust in the bags, they did have the festival shirt featuring the Final Fantasy VI-themed logo, among other delights.

I talked to the Shield of Wings peeps again. They remembered my name, which made me feel way cooler than I had any right to feel. Then I spent some time awkwardly considering approaching Adrienne Cowan of Seven Spires before deciding I had nothing interesting to say and would likely just shout, “YOU GOOD SING.” I played some SmashTV until it was time to find my place in the battalion and await further instructions (OF MUSIC). I was prepared to travel to the various worlds these bands were about to take me. I will do my best to limit my use of the word “epic” to under 500 times (per paragraph), but I make no promises. We had completed our first journey to create the Army of the Got Danged, and now it was time for us to journey as one.

The shadow of a looming mountain range appeared before us. Shield of Wings hails from Chicago (ish). Despite residing in a large metropolitan area, Shield of Wings is truly from a deep, dark forest that rests in the shadow of that great mountain range. The 5-piece band features a large, epic sound from their current roster’s debut symphonic album Unfinished. James Gregor’s guitar work, combined with Alex Luke’s bass and Patrick Eulitz’s drumming, form a strong base for their songs. The dynamically talented duo of Lara Mordian on lead vocals with Aliyah Gregor on keyboard and additional vocals/growls really drive SoW to its heights. In a field of Power Metal banshees, Lara delivers deep, compelling vocals to create their dark, symphonic sound. You can see her perched on a cliff, serenading the forest while the energy of the instrumentals thrum through your body.

The harmonizing between Lara and Aliyah on one of the band’s best songs, “Native Colossus,” sent chills through me. What SoW lacks in stage experience, they make up for with their bombastic music, and this large venue allowed them to build the intimidating forested mountain range they evoke with their music. Mordian/Gregor is an incredibly talented duo to be reckoned with. MWP began with daunting power and mountain climbing.

However, this is a Power Metal festival, and we can’t be TOO serious. The next act, Greyhawk, wouldn’t abandon us in the mountains trying to find our purpose in life. Our purpose was to hunt and explore. Vocalist Rev Taylor strode on stage and opened his book of destiny to read us tales of hawks and wizards as we soared from the mountains built by Shield of Wings. Seattle-based Greyhawk’s take on Power Metal is more leather than elf ears, and this NWoTHM (New Wave of Traditional Heavy Metal) group brought all the roar. Guitarist Jesse Berlin brought a large sack of weedlies and squeedlies and dazzled the crowd by showing his guitar could play every note in roughly 2 seconds.

I had sought the rest of the balcony seats for this set, knowing my advanced age of 42 needed care to survive all the Power of the festival. I also wanted to watch bands I didn’t know from up top to see the entire experience. My view was delightful as fans hit a giant inflatable Corona can around like a beach ball. Even more exciting, a denim-clad wizard created circle pits around him with his staff. Bassist Darin Wall provided a sacrifice to protect the success of MWP as he bent a long piece of steel in his mouth. If you weren’t aware of Greyhawk’s vibes already, that sentence should tell you everything you need to know. The set was tight and fast with loads of fun and WAIIIIIIIILS. All anxiety about fitting into a large group of unknown people was gone because the wizard was inside of us all along. The wind was in our hair, and we flew to our next destination with confident triumph in our eyes.

The next act was supposed to be Washington D.C.’s A Sound of Thunder, but a last-second medical emergency prevented them from traveling and performing. Imagine trying to destroy the One Ring if Samwise couldn’t stand. I was quite sad they couldn’t make it. I was unfamiliar with the band before the festival, but what I had heard blew me away. I was ready to hear the stories they wanted to tell. Perhaps another journey.

Enter Chicago’s Seeker Pearl. Our hawk robes steered us towards the rubble of an abandoned and overgrown city from a different time. I had to rub my eyes. A 3-piece band at a Power Metal festival? Where were the harpsichords and the goblin on xylophone? Seeker Pearl is not a Power Metal band, and it must have been an intimidating task to step into MWP at the last moment, but this trio was more than up for the challenge. Bassist/vocalist Lindsay Miller fit right into the festival’s vast array of female talent. She growled, roared, and sang through their Industrial/Electronic tinged songs. Guitarist Remek Jakimow danced around the stage with his fingers and feet, and drummer Dino Panzani drove Seeker Pearl and the crowd through this desolate wasteland.

The generally polite and welcoming crowd of Power Metal folk didn’t need any effort to fake nice as the crowd was totally into the set. We followed the hawk through past the few working neon lights of this abandoned dystopian city. What we sought was a competent fill-in, and what sought us was this trio of heroic substitutes. Samwise needed healing, but Kvothe knew just what to do. We now had laser-guided hawks on our shoulders, and they were hungry.   

One of the unique aspects of Mad with Power Fest came next, as we were given an hour’s break in the music to seek food and rest without missing any music. A large group of black-clad warriors was unleashed on the local restaurants. They struck confused interest and maybe just a LITTLE fear in the residents of Madison. A waitress at a Korean BBQ place tearfully told the small group I randomly ended up in that it would be a long wait before we could even sit. She begged for our forgiveness because our heroic group was terrifying and sizzling with INTIMIDATING DANGER. We had LASER HAWKS for crying out loud. After our group of strangers remained strangers by dispersing in different directions, I finally found a place that wasn’t packed. I burned my mouth to wolf down a frozen pizza and returned to The Sylvee. I could not be late for the next band. The Army returned from dinner break to explore more lands.

Thanks to the best metal review site in existence, Angry Metal Guy, I learned about and grew to love the remarkably talented Massachusetts band Wilderun many years ago. Another band not in the true Power sense, the orchestrations and folksiness are still plenty close enough to a Renaissance Faire to fit in nicely. I was a little worried, though. How could a band known for epically flowing masterpiece albums that create a musical story throughout recreate that same brilliance in the generally shorter sets of a festival? The answer is that they cannot, but they don’t need to.

It wasn’t long into their set that guitarist Wayne Ingram reminded me that Wilderun has plenty of live-show-pleasing guitar solos. We could feel the soft grass growing between our hairy toes. Massively talented frontman Evan Anderson Berry sounded outstanding, plucking away while transitioning vocal styles. Some lush hills appeared, and we became “Passengers” upon them. Wilderun may not have been able to tell their whole story, but they still transported us to feel merry around a campfire with mugs of ale. We were in a fertile land of rolling hills and deep green forests. This forest was more whimsical than Shield of Wings’ forest, but both were still full of delightful magic. Our travels made us calm again.  

It was the calm before the storm…

A Power Metal journey can be a wild one, and we went from the proud and vast Oak trees of Wilderun to the Spirit Halloween spooky inflatable trees of Powerglove (literally). This 8-bit storm came to fuck with our childhoods. It is unknown how we went from a campfire to the virtual world, but I suspect the distinct way someone blew into the fire like an NES cartridge had something to do with it.

It has been over a decade since I’ve seen Powerglove live (WE’RE NOT OLD, YOU’RE OLD), and they have since done an admirable job of incorporating videos into their live show. This helps tie together what can be a disjointed experience if you need time to figure out what video game cover each song is. Bassil Silver continues to be one of the most energetic and entertaining drummers live. The band brought out Empress Legion frontwoman Barbara Blackthorne to sing a song from Elden Ring (I think. I’ve been out of the console game for a while, and it seemed like half the bands and crowd had an inspiring love for Elden Ring. Maybe all games are Elden Ring now. I really hope it was Elden Ring and not something else.).

Barbara’s romantic partner R.A. Voltaire (RAV) joined her on stage. RAV had been helping with the livestream of the festival with his infectious energy and joyful banter. He took a break from bringing the magic to your living room to show off those vocal cords… and maybe for something else. Deep into the song, it stopped abruptly as we had our first moment of spontaneous love and joy. RAV dropped to one knee and proposed to Barbara right on stage. Barbara, sadly in some ways, forsook the chance to create the most brutal, trve, and metal moment in history. She could have denied RAV, ripped his heart out, and feasted upon it in front of 1500 witnesses. Instead, she happily said yes. I guess the romantic end was more appropriate for the festival, BUT STILL. Dr. Phillip Ahn, the guy who was the model of Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat II, was literally at the festival signing autographs and playing anyone in MKII (you’ll never guess which character he chose). Can we not get at least one overly graphic and violent death? Returning to Powerglove, their set was as playful and upbeat as ever, and we left the virtual world with the gift of fireballs from Mario.  

We had traveled far throughout the Power Universe and witnessed many different worlds. It was only fitting that the semi-pirate-themed Seven Spires closed the night out to complete our journey. They have traveled and pillaged every corner of the Metalverse and fashioned their music with all that stolen booty. Singer Adrienne Cowan easily displays this diversity with her incredibly talented voice, which does basically everything. From the straightforward growls of “Gods of Debauchery” to the demon shrieks of “The Cursed Muse” to the crowd-pleasing belting of “Fall with Me,” Cowan sounded on point all show.

On a side note, Cowan’s face is the most expressive metal face I’ve ever seen. It perfectly displays all manifestations of her singing. She looks like she will reap your soul one moment and then bestow upon you cotton candy (OF GLORY) the next. Ty and Brian from Lords of the Trident appeared for “Succumb” as Seven Spires took full advantage of their extended set.

The band provided another emotional moment for the festival. This was a sadder moment, as they announced near the end of their set that this would be the last time drummer Chris Dovas would be a part of the band. His bandmates clearly have great love and respect for him as he came forward for hugs and tears. At first, I felt it would put a damper on the rest of their songs, but it was the right way to announce it. They unburdened their souls to enjoy their last moments together as that form of Seven Spires, and the fans got to be a part of it. There was no dampening their closing song, “This God is Dead,” as Cowan invited the stellar singers of Shield of Wings back on stage while Seven Spires bassist Peter de Reyna gave his best Roy Khan impression. No one is Roy, but Peter is phenomenally talented and a worthy substitute.

Our journey had reached its apex (DAY 2 FORESHADOWING). Our Dark-Laser-Wizardhawk-holding-a-Dpad-controller-Mug-filled-with-Spiced-rum was empty, and it was time to rest. I took a pleasant walk back to our hotel along the streets of Madison. I was ready for another day.

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December 18, 2023 · 6:52 pm

Take Your Medicine

It’s Monday morning. You need to get the kids ready to go to Grandma’s. A diaper change, get some clothes, get school stuff ready. Oh, and the one who was sick needs to take her medicine. It’s 9ml of a bubble gum-flavored antibiotic, but it apparently still isn’t very tasty.

The diaper change isn’t hard. That one still doesn’t want to change clothes, but that’s par for the course lately. He’s wearing clothes, at least. He can wear Santa pajamas all day. Not a battle worth fighting. The other one is naked. She wants to pick her own clothes but won’t go get them. After some time, she agrees to let you pick them out. It’s still a lot of not listening.

They are both in good moods. They are playful. It’s maybe too much because it’s a level of playful that involves not listening. Everything is a game. The naked one won’t get out from her dino blanket and get dressed. You must get the clothes on her. She doesn’t make it easy, but she’s laughing the whole time, so it’s not THAT bad. Still, this is taking too long. They need to get going. You need to do things. They need to listen.  

The playing, the resisting, the running, it makes everything behind schedule. Anxiety is starting to rise a bit. It’s not just for you. You have to get them ready for someone else, so you worry about inconveniencing others. You also want to rest. You felt like you were starting to get sick last night. Can they please just listen?

It’s medicine time. You started the process. You give her time. You don’t want to force it on her right away. Shoes are on. Everything is basically ready to go. You can see the end goal. You just need to give that medicine. Despite all of the time not listening already, you have some hope this might not be too hard.

She won’t take it. She’s scared.

You remind her she’s taken it twice a day for 3 straight days before this. You remind her she was also taking an even worse-tasting medicine, but she doesn’t have to take it this time. There’s nothing else to do to give her more time, though. You have already been doing that for a good amount of time. It’s time to take it.

She holds her hands over her mouth. She’s in a corner in the kitchen. She tells you she doesn’t want to take it. She says she’s scared. You try to teach her that sometimes we just have to do things we don’t want to. You explain if she wants to see her friends, go to school, see Jim Gill in concert, eat dinner with her friends, go to soccer, all of that. If she wants to do it, she has to take her medicine. Her medicine is the only reason she got to do her dance recital this past weekend. All of this makes perfect sense. Not that a string of logic can make any adult do or believe everything, but it certainly doesn’t always work on a 4-year-old.

You keep coaxing. How long has it been? The clock only increases anxiety. C’mon buddy. You can do this. You tell her how brave she is. She says she’s scared. You tell her that you can only be brave when you are scared. That’s what being brave is. It’s doing something even though you’re scared. You get her to repeat the words “I am brave” and “I can do this.” It’s worked before.

It’s not working now.

You are still tired. You felt like you were getting sick last night. You don’t feel amazing this morning. Bedtime last night didn’t end on a good note. You feel better about that this morning, but you still can’t help but wonder if that’s secretly tearing away your patience. You remember you missed your depression meds the other day. Was it more than one day? Maybe that’s what is going on. No, it was just one day. Could one day make you feel this way? It doesn’t matter. None of this is an excuse. You have to be patient. That’s your job as a parent.

Can I do my job?

She still won’t take it. Chunks of time keep going by. You keep repeating things. She keeps repeating things. You try everything. You bribe her. You console her. You encourage her. You start to threaten that she won’t be able to do things. The anxiety and anger keep building up inside of you. You tell her she HAS to take this medicine. It’s going in one way or another. You start to pull at her hands.

She, of course, doesn’t like that. You absolutely hate ever having to overpower her. It’s a disgusting feeling, overpowering a child. Maybe sometimes it’s necessary, but you never want her to feel helpless and weak. Never. You NEVER want her to feel like nothing against the strength of someone else. You know that, so why are you heading towards it? Why are you so angry? Why are you so impatient?

C’mon, buddy, please. Not just for your own good, please take this medicine so I don’t do something I don’t want to.

It’s been so long. 40 minutes? Is it an hour yet? I can’t do this. Please, take the medicine. PLEASE. You are losing it. You grab her arms. She’s crying out and upset now. She wasn’t crying before. She was just scared. Now she’s both. You are pulling her arms down. You are trying to hold her head at the same time. You try to force the liquid syringe into her mouth to get it in. She’s so upset. You are so angry. JUST TAKE THE DAMN MEDICINE. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME HURT YOU? WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME SAY THAT WHEN I VOWED TO NEVER SAY ANTYHING LIKE THAT TO ANYONE. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT, BUT IT FEELS LIKE IT IS RIGHT NOW. TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT.

You let go. You can’t do this. She’s scared and crying. She still hasn’t had her medicine. You angrily and quickly stand up and walk away. I’m done. You can’t fight anymore. I’m done I’m done I’m done I’m done I’mdonei’mdonei’mdonei’mdonei’mdone.

You can’t be, though. You are the only one that can do this. You need nothing more in the world than to be able to walk away and be in a room alone right now. You steel your resolve. That isn’t what it feels like, though. You turn around and walk back. The problem is you are done. You haven’t magically become patient or calm. You are still angry. You are angry cuz SHE MADE you do that. That’s what your brain is thinking. You are angry because it’s still not done. How many days did I miss my Lexapro?

You return to your crying child, not with the love and patience she needs, but with the anger that caused this. She’s crying harder because when you quickly got up, her head that was resting on your leg fell to the floor. It was a slight thud. It’s not something that would normally hurt her, but in this state, it does. You are only angrier that she made you drop her head like that. You are angry because she’s upset about it even though it didn’t REALLY hurt. So angry. So out of patience. You again grab her arms. PLEASE JUST TAKE THIS. I AM DONE. I CAN’T DO THIS. I NEED THIS TO BE OVER. You are again overpowering her.

WHY AM I SO WORTHLESS?

You stop. You didn’t force the medicine on her. She’s softly sobbing and asking for mommy. You likely wish even more than her that mommy was here. She would do this better. She’s such a better parent than you. You could have gone off and been worthless far away from this poor child while mommy made it all better. You bring her close to you to hold her. This is probably as much for you as it is for her. You try to console her. You apologize.

The anger is magically gone. It has been replaced with a massive wave of guilt and feelings of zero worth. You don’t know if your patience is back. It just feels like an empty ocean of acceptance that you’ve given up instead of patience. You rub her back. You hold her close. This is your fault. You fight the urge to continue to blame her. She sits with you.

After more time passes, she’s OK. You just relax with her. You stroke her hair. Eventually, you get back to the subject of the medicine. She does HAVE to take it. You won’t force her. Not again. But she does still have to take it.

You are in a different corner now. You make funny voices with the syringe. She laughs through her hand. It’s still taking so long. You just keep trying. She keeps stalling. She does stretches and anything else she can think of to both prepare and stall. Deep inside of you, you can still feel a ball of anger. You can see it. You have put as many locked doors around it as possible. You keep adding more doors. You will not let it come out again. But it’s still there, reminding you of the monster you can become.

You use that reminder as fuel to keep this weird new patience. The cookie chaser is ready. She’s at least doing things that make you think she will take it soon. It’s been an hour now. It’s been so long. You don’t even remember all the back and forth to convince her. You remember how she uses her hands to show you how tiny her “brave” is and how large her “scared” is. You tell her that’s the fear in her brain just trying to trick her. You should know. Your brain was just tricking you into thinking this child that you love most in the world was actually forcing you to hurt her.

Finally, she takes the medicine.

She drinks the water after. She grabs her cookie. You keep telling her how proud you are of her. You keep telling her how brave she is. The rest of the process is easy. The kids get into grandma’s car. You buckle her up as she’s playing a game and holding her cookie. It seems like she’s already forgotten the entire experience. You wish you could do the same.

The kids are off to grandma’s house. You go back inside. You get into bed and curl up under your blanket. Like that precious child believes, you also hope that if you can just get under this blanket enough, the world won’t be able to see you. No one will see how worthless and terrible you are. Maybe the blanket will become a cocoon, and you can emerge from it a better person, but for now, you are the goo.

You did it. You didn’t force the medicine on her. She took it willingly. You built her up. You convince yourself you built her up more than you tore her down because you must. You got her to do the right thing. You did your job as a parent.

Sometimes doing your job really fucking sucks…

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November 25, 2023 · 7:08 pm

Not Today, Core Memory

I’m a fan of families creating their own traditions. I think some generational family traditions are good, but they should never be viewed as sacred. If you grew up not really enjoying a generational family tradition, then I think you should be able to break that tradition guilt-free when you have your own kids. It’s weird for me to talk positively about tradition because I’m generally against the “it’s tradition” argument. Tradition is one of the most significant obstacles growth and progress have to overcome.

I don’t want to go into that last bit too much because I WILL. I also am not entirely sure why I started this with the “tradition” discussion because that’s not even the point of this blog. Maybe it is to a degree.

I’ve wanted to create some traditions for my family. One is going to the Brookfield Zoo Holiday Lights every year with the kids. If you don’t know what that is, the zoo puts up a ton of light displays all around it. They have some higher-tech stuff that you wouldn’t see in many other places. They also sell random stuff that fits well with the theme, like a variety of flashing wands and other things kids can hold on to, wave around, and stare at. Basically, it’s a giant event where parents can bring the whole family to test their kids for epilepsy.

It’s a zoo, so there are animals too.

To be clear, the animals are not subjected to holiday lighting in their pens. There are also fun seasonal things like hot chocolate and mulled wine. There’s actually a fair amount of booze available for parents. This is probably a good idea since this is the kind of event that likely keeps many kids out past their bedtime.

When the kids were younger, it was hard to tell if they enjoyed attending this all that much. Even in broad daylight, there were times we weren’t sure if the kids cared about seeing animals or if they were even seeing them at all. Tons of lights and tons of people everywhere can be a lot, but the kids never seemed to hate it, and I like the idea of us going there every year.

The nice thing about a tradition like this is that even more traditions occur inside your main tradition. You might guess that we went to Zoo Lights when I wrote this, and you would be correct. When we went tonight, we learned that we unintentionally were starting another tradition: forgetting the expensive light-up wands we bought for the kids last year. Carissa sighed and said, “I’ll splurge and get them new ones this year.” In my mind, I was thinking that I now wanted this to be a tradition. Give them a new wand every year (only if we forget, which we will). This makes poor financial sense, but it’s fun to do. As long as the zoo has a new kind of wand every year, we’ll likely keep this going.

Now, you may have noticed what time of year it is because you exist. You might think spending time outside at night in Illinois in late November/early December isn’t always the best idea with kids. Yes, that can be a challenge, but bundling up does wonders. Tonight, I also decided I would someday enjoy another tradition with my family as the kids grew:

Looking at groups of people with smug curiosity as they stand at the lion exhibit looking for the lions outside in 30-degree weather while I wonder what educational department failed them.

There’s obviously controversy involving zoos. I won’t dive deeply into that now, but I will point out that some people really need this kind of exposure for educational purposes. Granted, you could argue that without me approaching people and stating that cats are an excellent combination of bright and lazy and will be inside right now, there is no education, but we’ll hold off on that, too.

I did not expect to write an entire page before I started getting to my point. That’s OK, though. I’ve explained my tradition, and now I want you to think about your family traditions. Maybe you’ll think of something your family did when you were a kid. Perhaps you’ll consider the traditions you create with your young kids. Either way, I want you to ignore this sentence entirely. I actually only want you to think about traditions you are building or might want to create with your kids.

There’s a vision in your mind, right? There’s always one in my mind. Your vision might be like mine and involve a scene in the future when you and the kids take a look at a photo album of all of your trips to the Zoo Lights over the years. For some reason, my vision of your vision involves you dusting off the ole projector and showing people a slide show because you all exist in 1987 in my mind. I’m sure we all hope that our kids think back fondly on things we did together.

So, as you live your vision, think of all the smiles and faces of awe at the light displays synced with music. Think of waiting in line for the carousel and watching your kids excitedly point out the animals they might want to ride. If you’re me, also spend some time looking at the glass garage door walls they have installed around the carousel to keep it a little warmer and wonder why they don’t do anything about the entire inch of space between the pillars and the temporary walls. Like, shove some blankets in there before you screw them to the permanent structure. Or is there some kind of foam you could spray in there that’s easy to remove in the spring?

PAY ATTENTION! YOUR KID IS SPINNING SOME EDUCATIONAL DISPLAY INSTEAD OF MOVING FORWARD WITH THE LINE!

Now, did your vision include your son ending up hating the entire carousel ride and refusing to sit on any of the animals, so your wife had to just hold him in her arms and stand on a spinning platform? Then, did your son immediately want to go back on the carousel, so your wife got back in line with him while you and your daughter walked around? But then your son absolutely will not get back on the carousel after your wife waits in line, so she has to take him back outside, where he again begs to go on the carousel?

Was that part of your vision?  

Probably not, but something like that is bound to happen at some point. I’m not trying to make fun of Ante or get upset with him. It wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t gotten a good enough nap, and despite his general refusal to eat food lately, it’s still not his fault he was also hungry. He’s two. That’s just a kid. Absolutely none of that is his fault.

And it’s really hard to still not get upset or frustrated even if you know that and keep repeating it in your head over and over again.

Zoo Lights 2023 was not Ante’s year. He just didn’t have the best time. AND THAT’S OK. I think it’s important to remember that as much as you want things to go smoothly and well, as much as you want kids to have a wonderful time and create core memories they have forever, it’s just not going to work out that way sometimes.

You just have to let go. It’s going to be fine. There are going to be rough days, and you just need to do your best to respond with patience and love because that child literally doesn’t have the ability to regulate emotions. There will be times you lose your patience, and that’s fine, too, as long as you remember to apologize later. I think there is great power in parenting when you can throw your arms in the air and say, “Whelp, that didn’t work out this time, but maybe it will next time.” You can and will laugh about it later. Especially when you file for bankruptcy after having four zoo-priced mulled wines.

It’s very easy for me to write this now. I stayed calm most of the time at the zoo. I won’t say there weren’t times I was frustrated. By the end of the night, as we got our bundle of exhausted and crying Ante home, I still came close to losing it once or twice, even after spending the 40-minute drive home reminding myself over and over of everything I typed up there.

Don’t let the disaster days stop you from entering more potential disaster days. You’ll eventually see your child sleeping peacefully and getting what they desperately need, and your heart will be full of love that heals the “WHAT DO YOU WANT” moments you had. It will be better next time, and every potential disaster day also has the potential to be magic.    

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November 3, 2023 · 2:24 am

NBA Weekly Recap 1

The first week of the NBA is behind us. There haven’t been any big surprises. The Harden trade wasn’t really a surprise, considering everything going on. The Bucks thankfully lost a game to keep me from thinking they’ll be 82-0.  

Overall league thoughts: I am very excited for the rest of this season. We get to watch a generational talent start his career. There are teams on the rise. There are teams near the end that still want to prove they have something left in the tank. It’s still early enough in the season that the league feels wide open. I may not feel that way in a month, but for now, let’s imagine there are 14 title contenders.

Surprise to everyone but me: That this Victor Wembanyama guy might be pretty good at basketball.

BOLD PREDICTION: THIS YEAR IN LITERAL BOLD FONT. EVERYONE IN THE WEST IS GOING TO GO 70-12. SOMEHOW.

Props: To Charles Barkley for questioning Adam Silver about the NBA’s domestic abuse responses.

Actors: Actors are the opposite of props, right? Anyway, Shaquille O’Neal posted a video asking what the difference between Bol Bol and Wembanyama was. The video showed them both doing similar moves. C’mon. The difference is Bol Bol is a huge defensive liability, and Wemby can guard half the court. Also, Bol can do some cool stuff, but he doesn’t really help a team’s offense much. Does anyone really think that NBA teams would ignore Bol Bol if he could potentially win them 5 titles? I mean, yes, people think that based on the insane comments on that post. Sheer nonsense. No disrespect to Gerald Green, but you could put a few of his highlights up against Jordan’s, and they’d look pretty similar.

Also, I’m starting everything with the West this year. I’m tired of always starting with the East.

West

Denver Nuggets (4-1): Why did I start with the 4-1 Nuggets before the undefeated Mavs? Because the Nuggets lost tonight before I started writing this, and The Score app apparently updated the Nuggets record, but the code that lists teams in order of record is either broken or on a time delay. I first assumed the app knew something I didn’t. Well, it does. The Nuggets have looked like the best team in the West so far, and even if they are like 4-4 next week, I should still list them first.

Dallas Mavericks (4-0): I’m glad I had a lot of faith in this team going into the season. I totally didn’t allude to them sucking. AH HA! I actually didn’t. Got ‘em! I mean, I definitely did not say they would be good, but I was at least somewhat high on the fact that their roster just made more sense. This team just needs to stay close and then let Luka take over.

Golden State Warriors (3-1): I was a little surprised to see them here because the one game of theirs that I watched was grooooooooss. This team is not fun to watch if they aren’t hitting shots. I’m interested in watching them more with Dray back and CP3 coming off the bench. This experiment just might work.

LA Clippers (3-1): This team is off to a hot start and just added an MVP. Unfortunately, the MVP is James Harden, and this team is going ALL IN on a whole lot of MAYBES. Will certain guys have all their limbs come playoff time? Will certain other guys still want to play when it matters? (No, the answer is no).

OKC Thunder (3-2): The true darlings of the 23-24 season. Chet already looks like he’s everything this team was missing last season. This is definitely a team to watch as much as you can.

Sacramento Kings (2-1): KEEP LIGHTING THE BEAM. Nothing much else to report here.

New Orleans Pelicans (3-1): Zion has been healthy. This is a great start for them. It’s hard to put much into it until we’re 60-70 games into the season with this roster.

San Antonio Spurs (2-2): We are getting almost nightly highlights from Wemby. Guess what? They will keep coming. He’s obviously going to struggle at times. He’ll probably hit a rookie wall. All that means is he will be only an impact player instead of a world-eating monster. Watch him every chance you get. 

LA Lakers (2-2): Slow starts for Reaves and Rui. That’s OK. They are saving it for the title run.

Phoenix Suns (2-2): This team has sometimes looked deep. It has looked thin at times. That means they are thin. They have enough guys to look good sometimes. Will that be enough come playoff time? I personally don’t think so, but they’ll be a fun watch until then.

Minnesota Timberwolves (2-2): Look, we’re only 4 games into the season. It doesn’t mean much. That being said, I’m already tired of this team.

Utah Jazz (1-3): Just give me some Markkanen dunks.

Portland Trail Blazers (2-3): I watched some Scoot. That’s a fun sentence. He’s also going to struggle at times this season, but woman, does this guy have explosiveness. I always struggled to guard guys with explosiveness. Like a regular human being explosiveness. I wouldn’t struggle to guard any NBA player because struggle is more than I could do.

Houston Rockets (1-3): I still don’t have the desire to watch them yet. Get playing, younglings.

Memphis Grizzlies (0-4): I read somewhere where this one idiot suggested the Grizzlies wouldn’t fall off at all without Morant.

East

Boston Celtics (4-0): Look, I blame The Score app for these weird standings. OR, we’ll say that I just bring you content unlike anyone else (because they list teams in the correct order). Also, I’m trying to avoid admitting that the Celtics look amazing so far.

Indiana Pacers (2-2): I expect the Pacers to stay here all season.

Milwaukee Bucks (2-2): They got their 2 losses of the season out of the way.

Philadelphia 76ers (2-1): Maxey looks awesome. They can move on from Harden. I’d be shocked if that was their last move, though. Zach Lavine?

Atlanta Hawks (3-2): Hey, this is a nice start for the Hawks. Maybe they’ll achieve. Woman, under/overachieve is used all the time. Looks so weird just using achieve.

Detroit Pistons (2-3): That’s right, the Pistons are currently (maybe) in a playoff spot. Enjoy it while you can, Detroit. Also, this is why the West teams are all like 3-1. For reals, though, Cade has had some nice outings.

Chicago Bulls (2-3): Trade Lavine to the Sixers now. Let’s make the East more interesting. Nothing else is happening here. After a promising preseason, Patrick Williams again proves that the preseason usually means nothing. Maybe he’s not aware the season started.

NY Knicks (2-3): THE KNICKS ARE BACK, BABY.

Orlando Magic (2-2): Franz has looked strong out the gate. I still want more from him, though. Let’s get closer to Markkanen.

Brooklyn Nets (2-2): You know, Ben Simmons really might be an impact player this year. This is the solidest solid team that ever solided.

Charlotte Hornets (1-3): Gross barf blech.

Washington Wizards (1-3): What is up with Poole and my mans Kuz taking a normal amount of shots? You’re still 1-3. If the two of them would shoot 30 times each, the Wiz could be 0-4 and much more entertaining. Don’t just be normal bad.

Cleveland Cavaliers (2-3): Look, it’s super early. Garland has missed time. Let’s not panic, YET.

Miami Heat (1-4): THIS FUCKING TEAM. Seriously. ALL LAST SEASON, I wanted to write them off. They were so bad so often that I spent so much time talking about writing them off that I had to talk about talking about writing them off. Then the playoffs happened. In my preview, I was expecting this team to infuriate me again. HERE WE ARE. The Heat may be the first team ever to make the Finals with the worst record in the NBA. SOMEHOW.

Toronto Raptors (2-3): No real surprises here. Maybe a Raptor ends up in Philly?

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August 28, 2023 · 4:19 pm

When Michael Calls

I am fascinated by how the human mind works. I could go into some detail about the miracle it is, but I think you all know that the brain is complex. Additionally, I am fascinated with the thought process of some people. How did this person come to this conclusion? Does their brain work differently than others? Is that just a natural brain formation? If not, what life experiences molded that gelatinous wonder into its current form? Sometimes, life hits you with a sledgehammer of these questions.

A day camp called Art & Science in the Woods is located at the Sun Foundation near Washburn. Washburn is in the middle of nowhere, somewhat near Peoria. My family has gone to ASitW for over 30 years. I am writing about my experiences there in another blog, so I won’t go into great detail now. The camp is for kids and runs Monday-Friday. Kids select a major class that meets every morning and four minor classes that meet in the afternoons. On Friday, you stay with your major class all day. Then, they have presentations for the classes in the late afternoon so everyone can see what other classes did. That is followed by picnic dinners for families that join their kids. Then, they have presentations for the families on Friday night. The classes center around nature with either an art or science focus. There are different kinds of painting classes, classes that teach Indigenous survival tactics, classes about reptiles and amphibians, classes about bugs, and classes that teach pottery (plus many others).

I haven’t participated as a Teacher’s Assistant or student in a few decades, but my mom, sister, and nieces still do. I fondly remember ASitW, so I try to get there on the last day of camp each year. An additional event during the Friday night festivities is a silent auction to fundraise for the Sun Foundation. It is here where magic happened this past June.

Now, I’m unsure if I explained the overall vibe of ASitW above. Be assured that the silent auction is what you’d expect from an art and science camp with a heavy nature and focus on indigenous people. The silent auction features many donations from professional artists who teach at the camp. There are paintings, sculptures, and professional photography. There is handmade jewelry. There are gift baskets of starter kits for various art genres (like beading or crocheting). There are hand-carved items and nature books and clothing. There are even some non-nature-based items to bid on that businesses donate (i.e., a basket of Caterpillar swag). And there, amongst all these items, was something simply unbelievable…

An autographed photo of Michael Douglas. 

I imagine a couple of things happened to you just now. You may have read that sentence a few times. Perhaps you squinted to ensure you read that correctly. I would guess you also thought, “Why?”

That is an excellent question.

I am absolutely fascinated with the process of making this happen. Who? WHO? Who on Earth knew about ASitW and the Sun Foundation and decided to donate this? Who thought about this and considered the Reptile & Amphibian class, bird class, various nature painting classes, or Aboriginal Survival Arts class, and then said, “I know what to donate! My autographed photo of Michael Douglas!” What possibly caused a brain to analyze the evidence and come to that conclusion? What synapses were firing and misfiring to end up here? What neurological chemistry wrongly mixed?

Or did they work at a corporation and decide, “Instead of this predetermined basket of merchandise advertising our company that we give to all donations, I’m going to donate this photo that may or may not be framed in the employee break room”? Maybe it was a disgruntled employee. They are so damn tired of everyone going ON AND ON about Michael Douglas EVERY DAMN SHIFT. Look, he’s an iconic actor, but do we really NEED to talk about him or his movies so much? Sure, it’s great he’s still with Catherine Zeta-Jones and didn’t dump her when she got older like it seemed like he would when they got married, but that’s kind of bare minimum humanity, so does it need to be celebrated? Yeah, he’s great as Hank Pym, but he’s not THE BEST Marvel casting ever. The employee just couldn’t take it anymore. There wasn’t a gift basket ready, and when a manager was asked what to donate, the manager didn’t even look up as they flipped a hand into the air and said, “Just grab anything.” This All-Douglased-Out employee saw the opening and seized the opportunity. The photo came down and was out the door in minutes. Every security camera was dodged because they’d been planning this for months. “It’s done,” they whispered to themselves as they quietly burned some prayer papers in the hope that none of this company’s employees had children that went to whatever camp that was. Theater camp? Probably. WHO CARES? Now, we can finally talk about the autographed photo of Scott Hamilton, a true hero.

Maybe it was an innocent accident. The Sun Foundation approached this past camper to donate. The person was excited to contribute. They thought, “I really need to put together something special for them.” They could have done something simple like gift cards. Hell, there were Peoria Chiefs tickets in the auction. That’s easy. But no! This person didn’t want to do that. They didn’t have the time right then to think of what to do, but they would. Except… life happens. They kept putting it off. Then they’d forget about it. Then they’d remember at a moment they couldn’t possibly do anything about it. Then they’d forget again. “I still have 10 days. I’ll figure this out,” they said to themselves. They never did figure it out, though. A Sun Foundation staff member stopped by at the last minute and said, “Hey, just wanted to see if you had a donation for us. No worries if you don’t. Today is the last day we can get it, so I wanted to stop by and see.” The person panicked. They didn’t have anything but were overwhelmed with guilt and shame. They knew it would be OK if they didn’t have anything, but they just couldn’t go back on their promise of a donation. What could they possibly give? “I’ll be right back with your donation,” they said as they hurriedly walked back to their office. Their eyes darted around for any possible gift. Then there he was. 1995 Michael Douglas peered at this person from his cluttered position behind their computer monitor. As more adrenaline kicked in and less blood flowed to their brain, the person clutched onto some insane thought that this would be an appropriate donation for the auction. “EVERYONE LOVES MICHAEL DOUGLAS,” their internal dialogue shouted before laughing maniacally. They snatched the photo off the desk and hurried back to the front. As sweat began to bead on their forehead, they handed over the photo and nervously said, “Here you go. I think someone would love to have this.” They laughed awkwardly, hoping that somehow this insane thought was actually a winner. The staff member momentarily said, “Oh,” then composed themselves and thanked the person for the donation. “They were nice enough to give SOMETHING, so be grateful,” the staff member thought. As they returned to the Sun Foundation, they considered just throwing the picture away. Still, they worried that the donator might attend the auction, so they kept it. There was no way in hell the donator would show up and risk embarrassment, but the staff member didn’t know that.

Maybe it just was someone with a VERY different kind of brain. They looked at what would appear like a Collection of Madness to the neurotypical mind but is totally normal to them. “Hmmm,” they thought, “Michael Douglas was in Romancing the Stone, which took place in a jungle, so that relates to a camp with “in the Woods,” in its name.” All of these are plausible.

So, of course, I bid on this photo and won it.

How could I not? The starting bid was $5. Someone had bid $5 already, likely out of sympathy. I went straight to $10. Double the bid? You madman! Nay, you WINNER! No one else knew the magical story that was lying right there. They all wanted to continue having conversations about stocks, coupons, sports, and whatever other boring shit mentally stable people discuss. Me, I was mesmerized by 1995 Michael Douglas. It didn’t matter that I don’t really care about him. The most substantial feelings I’ve ever mustered for MD were jealousy and envy as late-teens-Brent-who-absolutely-watched-the-laser-training-scene-in-Entrapment-multiple-times had to watch the stunning CZJ marry this old sack. I even hovered near the table as time winded down. MY PIZZA CAN WAIT! THERE’S MAGIC TO BE EARNED! I prepared to pounce as one man paused near the photo and jokingly said he could win this to give it as a joke gift to his brother. I tip my hat to you, dear chap, for such a fantastic gift idea that I 100% approve of, but despite my limited funds, you will NEVER win this auction. I was prepared to put Ante as my bid. Before you get all high and mighty on me (or divorce me if you’re my wife), know that the moment The Sun Foundation tried to collect Ante, I would say, “Dracarys,” and he would DO HIS THING. There would be no giving away the Big Guy. Trust me.

Now, you might also wonder, “Brent, how can you even be sure this autograph is real? Was there some kind of authenticity document with it?” There absolutely was NOT. Here’s the thing: I think it would be even funnier if the autograph wasn’t authentic. That adds an entirely new level to the donation part of this story. Did the panicking person go wholly insane and scribble a fake autograph on a random photo of Michael Douglas? Did the person who just maniacally decided this was an appropriate donation think they needed to spice it up with a fake autograph? If it was the disgruntled employee, then the signature is 100% real, and if it’s not, I would never want to break the hearts of those employees by telling them. It’s crazy to think, “Who would donate such a thing,” but it’s beyond insane to think, “Who would donate a faked autograph photo?”

You may think I’ve had fun and this story is over. This chapter is over, but just think of all the possibilities! What if someday I MEET MICHAEL DOUGLAS? I will get to tell him about this. What will his reaction be? “Hey! Michael Douglas! I have an autographed photo of you from like 1995.” He might say in his gruff voice, “Thanks, kid,” because I was imagining Harrison Ford in that fantasy. Would Douglas ignore me? Would he think it was weird? Maybe he would also find it randomly hilarious and want to talk about it. But what if he KNEW where it was from?

I need to bring this photo with me whenever I can run into him. I think it’s most likely I’d see him on an airplane. We could sit there and talk. Maybe he’d tell me a story of how he had a friend who owned a business in the Peoria area. He once stopped by the company to say hi to his friend. Douglas was shocked and unnerved at how excited his friend’s employees were to meet him. It was even stranger when they insisted that he watch them frame the random autographed photo he had with him on the wall of their break room. He would understand why another employee would try to eliminate it because it seemed a little unhealthy.

Maybe he’ll be excited about the photo because he recognizes it. It was part of some luggage that held a lot of sentimental items for him. It fell out of a plane, never to be found again. But now, knowing it appeared at the Sun Foundation, he can search the woods and find his bag hidden in some trees. He’ll be so happy that he’ll crack a smirk and invite me to be in the next Indiana Jones movie because I am again imagining Harrison Ford.

This one action has so many possibilities surrounding it. It is undoubtedly an essential thread in the wheel of time. Destinies were changed each time this photo exchanged hands. Think of how basic everything else in this silent auction was. When I say basic, I mean storytelling basic or logic basic. Of course, a professional artist-teacher would make something for the auction. That requires no thought. Caterpillar handing out the same swag package they do for 100 other fundraisers? BORING. My $10 is probably the most important $10 spent worldwide in June 2023. I was the only one truly in touch with the universe (deranged) enough to sense what this photo meant. You shake your head at me now, but one day, you’ll be watching Jimmy Kimmel. Michael Douglas will tell a story about how some weird guy asked him to autograph an already autographed photo of himself from the ‘90s. You’ll know I did it, then. You’ll know I have changed the world.  

Until that fateful day, my boy Mikey D watches over me from my bedside table as I sleep, calmly waiting to change the world.

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June 6, 2023 · 7:10 pm

I Want Mommy

Before I start this blog, I want to state that parenting is harder for the mother. It starts with the whole growing-an-entire-human-in-your-body to the next step of the immediate body-wrecking action of ejecting that entire human from your body. Then you get lifelong changes to your body. We add that to society’s ridiculous demands and standards for a mother and mix in a little patriarchy in general. I’m only scratching the surface here while mentioning the greater names of issues with dozens to hundreds of implications on a woman’s life. It’s easier for the father.

What I want to talk about is a challenge I’ve faced as a father. My therapist would tell me in her smart-think that my feelings are valid and to stop always needing to state that I don’t have it as bad as others. Stating that I know my feelings are valid totally counts, right? I think it’s still partially OK to state that mothers have it harder because it’s as much of a compliment for what they do as it is seeing their challenges. 

ANYWAY

There is a specific kind of sadness I struggle with as a father. It happens right after one of those flip-switching moments. A common example is the sheer joy of watching your laughing child run along the sidewalk. Then, disaster strikes. The child trips and falls and skins their knees. I’m near, and I immediately go to them to comfort them, hold them tightly, absorb their tears, and promise to make it better.

Except I rarely get to do that.

Instantly either of my children leaps up and starts running to or starts calling for Mommy. They do not want me. They do not look to me for comfort. The most I can do is try to fight through their pushing away to hold them long enough until Mommy can take over and console them. I want nothing more than to ease their pain, but I am left helpless. I don’t begrudge my wife or my kids at all. I get it. They will always have a special connection to their mother through biology and the fact that she is the best mother. It just hurts, though. It is a kind of rejection that I didn’t know existed.

I find it a little weird because I’m usually quite bad at comforting. I don’t know what to do when people cry around me or are sad. My go-to move is always humor, but I at least have some sense to know when it’s not appropriate (I hope). So, it’s weird to me that I instantly want to go to my kids and hold them. The natural ability to comfort must have been hiding inside me all these years until some mini-mes appeared.  

It flat-out sucks. I feel bad that they are in pain. I want to comfort them. I want to help them feel safe again. I want to somehow transport my love into them to make their wound instantly heal. I want to create a bubble around them, blocking out the world so they can feel safe expressing their pain without anything else coming in. Maybe that last one is more about me not feeling comfortable expressing emotion or pain publicly. A part of me wants it to stop, but another part of me wants them to not feel like they must stop or hold it in. I just want to be there until it subsides. It really hurts to be denied all of that.

Then there’s some guilt because I can very distinctly remember being at Blackberry Farms. I remember when Onni was running and bumped into her friend and fell to the pavement. Mommy wasn’t there at that time. Onni got up, turned, and ran directly to me. I can very clearly see the pain on her face as she started to cry. I can see her arms held out towards me as she came to me and called for Daddy. I have guilt because, for a moment, that felt absolutely wonderful. She wanted me and nothing else in the world. I shouldn’t feel great when my child is in pain, but I did. It’s a selfish feeling, but there is no denying it. I relished holding her and kissing her head, and telling her it was OK. I know that I’m not a bad person for feeling that (especially because I knew it wasn’t a serious injury). I understand that it’s likely pretty natural, considering all the circumstances. I don’t beat myself up with guilt over it, and that’s probably because I’m more than happy to pay the price of some guilt to continue remembering the great feeling of being wanted that one time. If you were to ask me if I had the power to prevent that small spill and remove that bit of pain, would I? I kind of doubt I would do it. Again, it was good ole fashioned scraped knees and a hand, so it certainly wasn’t serious, but shouldn’t I still want to prevent that pain? I don’t know (I do, but I still don’t really want to admit it). It’s another one of those incredibly odd things about being a parent.

But I just have to do what I can. When they want Mommy, I just have to try to give them some distance because no one but Mommy can touch them right then. I try to stay close simultaneously so they know I am there. I try to usher them to Mommy as quickly as possible. Then I watch closely by and see if there’s anything else I can do. That’s the reality of it. The pain will still be there, and I don’t think that will ever go away in those moments. I think that’s probably fine, though. It’s part of loving something special.

Unless I lock Carissa in the basement and take the kids places by myself……….

That might have other consequences, so I think I’ll not do that.

I’ll be ready for the next time the kids want me to comfort them. I’m not excitedly waiting for that, but I’m also not NOT hoping it happens again. I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me. I just hope some other dads relate to this and know their pain is shared and seen. Thanks for reading, and we’ll circle back on this the first time one of the kids has a serious injury that requires a hospital visit. THEN I’ll process all the guilt and terror of that.     

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March 31, 2023 · 10:07 pm

Dallas Mavericks 2022-23 Recap and Future

I hope to officially have my NBA blog up and running next week. I wanted to get this out for now.

This was a disappointing season for the Dallas Mavericks. It was so disappointing that I am writing this before their season is even over. Maybe they’ll have a miraculous run and upset a few teams in the playoffs, but it seems incredibly unlikely. I will quickly recap every team’s season and discuss their futures as the season ends. The Mavs have been a worm in my brain, so I wanted to write this now.

The Mavs and Brent Ferrari didn’t think it would matter if they let Jalen Brunson sign with the Knicks. BOY, ARE THE MAVS DUMB. Brunson has been great for the Knicks, and while he’s not a superstar, he’s a very steady really good player that would have significantly helped on a team with few consistent players. I had little faith in this team before the season started. The season mainly went how I thought it would. There were times when Luka looked so good he could carry a team by himself. Then they had just enough injuries to start to flounder. On comes the wild trade for Kyrie Irving, and I have a lot of concerns this is a franchise tanking move. The Mavs haven’t been any better adding another superstar, and now they could completely miss the play-in tourney, let alone the playoffs.

What does the future hold?

HOOOOOOOOOOO BOY. Why would Kyrie Irving re-sign with the Mavs? While they haven’t gotten much playing time together, he and Luka haven’t been impressive. Sure, they could click next season, but they don’t have much else on the roster. If they miss the playoffs, why stay? Money is always a nice motivator, and I don’t doubt Mark Cuban will sign any check to keep Kyrie. MAYBE Kyrie would want to continue playing with a young, generational talent, though his track record for that doesn’t suggest he will. Perhaps the fact they traded for him and wanted him is enough. Also, I just wasted an entire paragraph trying to guess what Kyrie Irving wants. Who knows what the hell this guy wants or will do?

If Kyrie leaves, you now have an even shallower team than the one that wasn’t that good. It will take roughly 18 seconds for the media to start posting headlines saying, “HOW LONG WILL LUKA STAY WITH DALLAS?” He’ll be asked daily what he thinks of the team until he finally says, “what the hell do you want me to say?” The Mavs will have some cap space, but there isn’t a tasty free-agent crop this offseason. I highly doubt Khris Middleton will leave the Bucks. James Harden could leave Philly, but does Dallas have the nightlife of Houston to entice him? Fred Vanvleet could be a nice defensive backcourt partner with Doncic, but it will take a lot more than that to make this team good.

What do they have if he stays? The most concerning thing to me is their defense. They were a good team last year because their defense was good enough (6th in the league) to keep them close. Then Doncic could get the win from there. They are now terrible at defense. They still have the 6th best offense in the league to pair with the 22nd-worst defense, but they are even worse than that because they traded some key defenders for Kyrie. You need a good defense to win the title. Over the last 42 NBA seasons, only 6 teams have finished the regular season with a defense out of the top 10:

The 2021 Bucks, 2016 Cavs, and 1982 Lakers all were ranked 10th

2018 Warriors were 11th

1995 Rockets were 12th

2001 Lakers were 21st

The 2018 Warriors had Kevin Durant and likely weren’t giving maximum defensive effort all season, which didn’t matter because they had KEVIN DURANT. The ‘95 Rockets were a weird team that season but finished 2nd in the league in defense the previous year (also a title team). The 2001 Lakers are the only strange outlier here. That was the middle of a threepeat and one of the greatest teams of all time (16-1 playoff run), so I’m going to guess they weren’t trying that hard all season.

But I want to take this point even further. I don’t think it’s just that you need a great to above-average defense; I think some of your superstar/best players must also be great defenders. Look at the last 42 champions. How many teams’ best players weren’t great defenders? In recent years, Steph Curry isn’t a great defender, but he has had Klay (one of the best two-way players before his injury) and Draymond Green (one of the greatest defenders of all time). The Bucks’ Big Three are all very good to elite defenders. Raptors had Kawhi. The Heatles even turned Chris Bosh into a great defensive player. The Spurs teams always had Duncan. The Lakers always had at least Kobe, and Shaq was a great rim protector when he wanted to be. In the ‘90s, I think you all know that Jordan and Pippen duo. The Rockets had Hakeem. I mean, your best arguments are going to be the ‘80s Lakers because Kareem was similar to Shaq defensively. There is ONE team with a poor defensive superstar: the 2011 Dallas Mavericks and Dirk. Unfortunately, but fortunately for my point, the Mavs were still the 8th-rated defense in the league that year.

So what do the Mavs look like going forward? Look at Portland. They’ve tried rebuilding and adding solid defenders around poor star defenders (Damian Lillard with CJ McCollum/Anfernee Simons). You could argue Jerami Grant is their second-best player right now and is a good defender, but they have still been a terrible defense. The Mavs need to get a WHOOOOOOOLE LOTTA defensive-minded role players (not likely), or they can maybe pull off something to get an elite defensive anchor. Is that possible?

Yes, but not likely.

Rudy Gobert and Draymond Green are two players this team should focus on this offseason (after re-signing Kyrie).

I don’t think it would take too much effort to convince the Wolves that they are better off with a frontline of KAT, Naz Reid, and Kyle Anderson. The challenge for the Mavs is matching Gobert’s contract without gutting their already light roster. This would have to be a multi-team deal, and I have no idea if that could even be pulled off anyway. The Mavs don’t have a lot of tradeable assets, either. ANYONE WANT DWIGHT POWELL? GET YER DWIGHT POWELL HERE! PIPING LUKEWARM BIG MAN COULD BE YOURS!

Draymond Green could be a free agent, so the Mavs have a chance of signing him. Everyone says Draymond will go to the Lakers if he leaves Golden State, but I think it’s certainly possible to entice Dray with the Kyrie/Luka combo. I couldn’t possibly offer a percentage likelihood that this could happen, but it at least seems plausible in my mind.

Outside of those two scenarios, the Mavs will need to bank on Luka and Kyrie unlocking something next season while hoping Kyrie doesn’t Kyrie.

Or the franchise crumbles, and Luka leaves. No biggie.

Sorry, Mavs fans.

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March 25, 2023 · 1:53 am

NBA Weekly Recap 11

“It’s been a minute,” said the super hip Brent who relates to the kids these days super well. In the time since my last buckets blog, I have made some decisions. I am going to move my basketball content to a separate blog. This blog will remain my main blog of thoughts and whatevers. All NBA content will be posted on… the place I figure out for it. I will announce more when I know it.

Overall league thoughts: Every year, I get into a little lull as far as my attention to the NBA goes. I’ve been in that lull. It usually happens earlier, BUT HERE IT BE! I can’t say I’ve watched a ton of games lately. I’m a little behind on the content I take in. I’m not closely watching EVERY box score. That being said, I am still paying attention to a degree. Just know that some teams will only have random nonsense for my analysis, so basically, nothing will change.

Surprise to everyone but me: Kyrie Irving hasn’t changed the Mavs into a title contender. Maybe that wasn’t a surprise for some people, but I am going to act like it was and proclaim myself a genius. The Mavs are maybe slightly better than they were. I’ll be surprised if Jason Kidd is at the helm for next season.

BOLD PREDICTION: The 9 vs. 10 seed play-in game in the East will be atrocious.

East

Milwaukee Bucks (52-20): My biggest regret of not keeping up on this blog for a while is that I haven’t gotten to laugh at the Celtics for not being the best team in the league anymore. Petty? Yes. Anyways, Middleton has given some flashes on the way to the playoffs. Crowder is a nice addition. I think Joe Ingles will be great in the playoffs.

Boston Celtics (50-23): NOT ON TOP ANYMORE, EH, CELTICS? BUNCH OF LOSERS! The Lakers are battling for the play-in in the West while Boston still has the 2nd best record in the NBA, but I somehow feel like the Lakers are winning over them right now (because I’m dumb).

Philadelphia 76ers (49-23): What a run for this team since the All-Star break. I mean, it started before that, but Joel Embiid has taken control. He now looks like the MVP as the Nuggets hit a slump at the right time. A few big names have helped his case too, by starting the chatter. Hard to say he’s not deserving, though.

Cleveland Cavaliers (46-28): This is the one team in the East locked into their playoff spot. They are 4 games behind and ahead of the spots around them. I think it’s been a good season after their big off-season trade. They have 8 games to figure out a 4th quarter offense, or the 2nd round is as far as they go (if they get past the first).

NY Knicks (42-32): What a wild 3 years. A near-miraculous playoff run 2 seasons ago where Julius Randle became a star (of sorts). Then Randle and the team weren’t very good last year. Now they are back as a solid team. Jalen Brunson made me look dumb.

Brooklyn Nets (39-33): Kevin Durant gave them enough cushion to stay in the playoffs, probably. The Heat will probably pass them, but I still can’t see the Nets losing two play-in games to the garbage below them. Mikal Bridges looks good so far as the lead guy on a team but obviously needs more consistency.

Miami Heat (40-34): I just want to leave this section blank because I’m tired of not writing them off but saying I want to write them off but I know I can’t write them off, but they still don’t look that good but who knows because Jimmy Butler is that guy.

Atlanta Hawks (36-37): Unlike the Cavs, Hawks fans are probably not pleased with their off-season trade. Let’s hope they become another exhausting team to follow that looks great for a bit, then sucks. Atlanta Home Blazers.

Toronto Raptors (35-38): I don’t get this team. On paper, they should be better. Nick Nurse has gone from NBA title-winning genius to maybe on the hot seat? It’s really hard to win consistently in this league.

Chicago Bulls (34-38): Four straight teams with a primary color of Red in their logos, and I don’t care to watch or analyze any of them, but I’ll try in the future.

Probably.

Maybe.

Indiana Pacers (33-40): I said this team needed to sell off assets. I guess Pacers fans have things to look forward to in the future, but I think they’ll quickly regret not rebuilding more. Even with improvements from young players, this team may not be anything more than a 6th seed.

Washington Wizards (32-41): Kuzma is the MVP of my heart.

Orlando Magic (30-43): A team on the rise. Bright future for Magic. Get your kids into Magic School now.

Charlotte Hornets (25-50): The Hornets have the e next to their name, signifying that they have been mathematically eliminated from making the playoffs. Can we leave that e on there for, like, the next 3 seasons?

Detroit Pistons (16-57): I had a lot of nice things to say to get the hopes up of Pistons fans early this season. They now have the worst record in the league. I apologize.

West

Denver Nuggets (49-24): Slump or no slump, Jokic is still a beast. Slumps hurt his MVP chances, though. There are still some questions about this team in the playoffs, which I think also hurts Jokic’s MVP chances (though they shouldn’t).

Memphis Grizzlies (45-27): There were a lot of unfortunate things involving Ja Morant while I was “gone.” I hope he turns things around for himself. He has a huge amount of influence. Also, this team has no half-court offense.

Sacramento Kings (43-29): WHAT? THE KINGS ARE LOCKED INTO THE THIRD SEED. THEY HAVE AN OUTSIDE CHANCE AT THE TWO SEED. This either means the world is improving, or we should all say goodbye to our loved ones soon. If you see any headlines about scientists discovering an asteroid that looks like Vlade Divac, be scared.

Phoenix Suns (38-34): An almost unpredictable team. They could win a title with a healthy Durant. They could lose in the first round with anything less. I don’t think they have enough (or at least enough that’s played together enough) to win a title, but we’ll see.

LA Clippers (38-35): Boy, was I happy to see the Clippers make nice moves to help improve some of their weaknesses, then sign Russel Westbrook. Terrance Mann is a better point guard at this point, and Westbrook is eating his minutes. At least they’ve stopped playing Russ in 4th quarters.

Golden State Warriors (38-36): The only teams with fewer road wins than the Warriors this season are the Pistons, Spurs, and Rockets. That’s a problem.

Minnesota Timberwolves (37-37): KAT is back. I can’t imagine this roster will have enough reps together to do anything in the playoffs, but who knows?

OKC Thunder (36-36): SGA scores like an ‘80s player. His 2-point rate is similar to Giannis’. Crazy. Great future for this team.

Dallas Mavericks (36-37): All season, people were high on the Mavs, while BRENT THE GENIUS didn’t think they were that good. They could miss the playoffs entirely. If Kyrie doesn’t sign with them this offseason…oh boy.

LA Lakers (36-37): I am a much bigger fan of the roster now than before the trade deadline. I don’t know if I want them to get healthy and give me that hope of a miraculous run or just lose and get it over with.

Utah Jazz (35-37): Great season for the Jazz. Another bright future.

New Orleans Pelicans (35-37): WOW. This team was in first not a crazy amount of time ago. Give Zion the MVP since this team fell off a cliff after he got hurt? Their future holds all the colors of the spectrum cuz it could be really bright or dark and dismal.

Portland Trail Blazers (32-40): I’d say we can say this semi-rebuild was a failure. What now?

SA Spurs (19-54): I bet Pop speaks French by now.

Houston Rockets (18-55): This team has done a good job playing spoiler down the stretch. I guess that’s one nice thing.

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